A TRUE BIOGRAPHY OF THE NEW ARCHBISHOP
My friends, this letter is provided to you so that you may have an opportunity to hear information you will not find in any official press releases about your newly elected Archbishop, as you eagerly await to embrace him on his arrival to his "homeland."
1- Yes, your new Archbishop is American-born, but, he was raised and educated outside the U.S. and he is a foreigner to the reality of the Greek-American church in the U.S. And yes, he speaks the English language, but, the Archdiocesan Council would be wise to lower their expectations and their collective IQs in order to accommodate their new Archbishop's proclivity to use vulgar street language which, combined with his habitually excessive drinking and smoking, should be an outrage to us all.
The election of one of the U.S. bishops would have been a far better and wiser choice.
2- In his youth his Rhodian heritage served Spyridon well. Early on, he was selected by the then Metropolitan (Bishop) of Rhodes, Spyridon, (now you know whose name he bears) an infamous and admitted homosexual, and was called to serve him and his local church in Rhodes. This service naturally included our newly elected Archbishop's introduction into homosexuality by that Metropolitan.
3- His mentor then sent him to the Patriarchal School at Halki were Spyridon met his new classmate who became his homosexual partner for the next four years, Elias Nerantzoulis (now Metropolitan of Chalcidon, Joakim, the guy who will enthrone him!!! is that not nice?)
4- Nerantzoulis introduced Spyridon to another world-renown homosexual, the late Metropolitan of Chalcidon, Meliton, the true governor of the affairs of the Orthodox Church and the Ecumenical Patriarchate under Patriarch Demetrios, and the spiritual father and protector of both Bartholomew and Joakim. After this meeting, Spyridon became the constant companion of Meliton both in Constantinople and later in Rome.
5- For his "special" services to Metropolitan Meliton he was rewarded with an assignment in Europe and in particular Italy. In Italy, he was elevated to the ranks of auxiliary bishop while Gennadios, an honest, sincere, pure and very orthodox clergyman also serving in Italy at the time, was totally ignored. Spyridon's services to the Metropolitan were richly rewarded when he was elevated to head the newly established Metropolis of Italy.
6- During his studies in Germany under a Patriarchal scholarship, Spyridon lived in concubinage with another famous homosexual, Irinaios, a convert to Orthodoxy German monk. Irinaios, in addition to his sexual relationship with Spyridon also assisted him with his academic work.
7- During this time, and in order to confuse and distract his critics, Spyridon also established sexual relations with a woman named Zoe. Since she will probably attend his enthronement, can you guess how he will introduce her to his audience? Perhaps a long-lost sister, a relation, a dear friend? Watch for it!
8- Very close friends of Patriarch Bartholomew strongly insist that Bartholomew is also a practicing homosexual, but being particular cautious under the circumstances, he has limited his homosexual activities to only two partners: 1) the new Archbishop, Spyridon, and 2) Mr./Father Karloutsos. While Father Karloutsos may have a reputation for being a ladies' man, in order to satisfy his ruthless personal and professional ambitions Father Karloutsos does not hesitate to also satisfy the deviant sexual proclivities of Patriarch Bartholomew and Joakim of Chalcidon (poor Margo Catsimatidis? Maybe you are a little jealous, but how can you compete?)
9- By now you should have a good understanding as to why Sotirios (Sotiroula) of Canada was the obvious choice to act as Vicar of the Archdiocese until Spyridon's enthronement. And, why Athinagoras of Dorylaion, AN ADMITTED AND CONVICTED HOMOSEXUAL, has been placed in charge of the ceremonies for the enthronement and the lunch to follow for the new Archbishop.
10- Do you understand now why a very holy man who knew American Hellenism and the Greek Orthodox Church in this hemisphere, and who taught three generations of priests in our Theological School, His Excellency Metropolitan Demetrios of Vresthena, was not elected, and now you also understand that another giant of Orthodox theology with twenty years of experience in church administration, Archbishop Stylianos of Australia, was also not chosen.
So my friends, now that you have been given a peek at the action behind the scenes, and a flavor of things to come, don't you too want to join the crowd and enthusiastically and with open arms welcome your new SPIRITUAL!!! FATHER AND LEADER OF THE HOLY ORTHODOX ARCHDIOCESE OF AMERICA?!
MAY GOD HELP HIS CHURCH AND ALL OF US!
[ Note attached to this text: ]
If you love your Church and your Orthodox History and Heritage
copy the enclosed and disseminate it.
The author of the text above remains unknown.
The text was mailed out of New York City in the afternoon of August 29, 1996 by an individual under the pseudonym of "George Karteris" supposedly residing at "32 Astoria Blvd, LI City NY 10132."